I have been thinking about ways to “be nice”. Over the weekend it occurred to me that “just listening” might be at the top of that list.
How many times have you found yourself walking by someone and saying “Hey, how’s it going?” while you continued to walk …without stopping to hear the answer, or giving it a second thought? Often, we are just being polite in passing… but isn’t it funny that although we ask the question, when someone actually stops to answer with something more than “fine”, or “great, thanks”… we sort of cringe at the thought of having to stop and be inconvenienced?
Nobody really has time to hear about the coworkers inflamed arthritis or the next door neighbors divorce. It’s just polite to ask, right? Well, maybe not. If you really don’t have the time or inclination to stop and listen, a well intended casual greeting can actually have the opposite effect and leave the receiver feeling rather flat. This little ritual might not leave one wounded, but it does speak loudly about the lack of genuineness in the interaction, and that, I believe, can have a cumulative negative effect on a person.
If you think I’m being petty or just being a whiner, think about this; it’s just a little thing that happens, but it's one of a zillion of the same kinds of little things happening every day that can add up to possible joy or despair in a person’s outlook. It’s the accumulation of little messages that either say “you matter” or “you don’t matter”. For many, this can take a toll. For some, it might just be a tipping point.
A fundamental teaching in a community dispute resolution model that I once learned is that “people need to be heard and understood”. I saw this prove true when dealing with disputants who were frustrated and upset, time after time. The simple act of listening with genuine interest was often all it took to calm a crisis and find a solution to even some of the biggest problems. People that were angry for years, often walked away feeling relieved. All because they felt heard and understood. It was like magic!
Last weekend when listening to an interview with Sherwin Nuland on the NPR program “Speaking of Faith”, I heard this theme echoed again;
“When you recognize that pain and response to pain is a universal thing, it helps explain so many things about others, just as it explains so much about yourself. It teaches you forbearance. It teaches you a moderation in your responses to other people's behavior. It teaches you a sort of understanding. It essentially tells you what everybody needs. You know what everybody needs? You want to put it in a single word? Everybody needs to be understood. And out of that comes every form of love”
Although it was a statement from an interview and taken out of a much larger context, this quote validated my thought process about how connecting through listening, hearing and understanding can break down barriers and heal.
Tonight, I saw a story on 60 minutes and once again, the same theme resonated throughout the piece. It was about a friendship between a news columnist and a homeless man with schizophrenia who happened to be a musical genius. Through interest, listening and the common love of music, these men developed a friendship that would transform both of their lives. (I’ve included the link to the video if you’d like to check it out)
Upon reflection, I am convinced that listening with the intent to understand can be a powerful act of love! If you find yourself over whelmed by the magnitude of problems all around and wonder What I can do? How can I help? How can I make a difference? Start by saying “Hello” when you mean “Hello” and “How’s it going?” when you really want to know!
Maybe just taking the time to stop, listen and understand someone you cross paths with today will be the single best thing you can do to make a difference in the world! To put it in context, it’s a great way to start “being nice".
In case you were wondering ......
I don’t know about you, but for months now, every time I turn on the television, or read the news online, it’s more of the same. People losing jobs, losing their homes, rising unemployment rates, dwindling savings accounts, suicide, death, divorce, addiction, homelessness and more and more and more and more. Oh, and more.
I have always helped others for a living and am a compassionate person. I have also always believed in the power of positive thinking. You would think that I, of all people, would be able to avoid being a victim! But, this year, when I experienced changes that would lead to months of unemployment with no hope in sight, right smack dab in the middle of the worst jobless rate in my adult lifetime, I became a slave to gloom and doom.
I sat in my apartment at the computer, day after day, scouring the news for some stories of hope, some glimmer of possibility that things were looking up, only to be brought deeper into the black hole of the medias love affair with our "hard times in America". Please understand that I was already ripe from years of war and the shock and awe tactics of the previous administration, so it didn’t take much to push me over the edge.
One day while crying for the hundredth time while watching yet another story of the effects of a company closing…. it occurred to me that I was sick and tired of buying the crap that the media was feeding me. I decided in that moment that from now on, I was only going to read good news.
I do understand that people are hurting and need to tell their stories. It’s healing. As a community of caring people, we generally want to listen. But with so much bad news, our compassion has gotten the best of us. I believe that we need to shift the focus of our attention to what’s good and get a healthy perspective back!
That day, I vowed to start looking for the beautiful things in every situation and shifted my thinking toward gratitude. As you can imagine, I soon found that when I looked for the "good things", I found plenty of them. That’s the reason for this blog. I want to create an antidote to the slow poisoning of our spirits happening as we breathe in the daily media offerings fueled by the crisis we are facing in our country. I want to do it by telling our good stories. We need them now, more than ever.
I have always helped others for a living and am a compassionate person. I have also always believed in the power of positive thinking. You would think that I, of all people, would be able to avoid being a victim! But, this year, when I experienced changes that would lead to months of unemployment with no hope in sight, right smack dab in the middle of the worst jobless rate in my adult lifetime, I became a slave to gloom and doom.
I sat in my apartment at the computer, day after day, scouring the news for some stories of hope, some glimmer of possibility that things were looking up, only to be brought deeper into the black hole of the medias love affair with our "hard times in America". Please understand that I was already ripe from years of war and the shock and awe tactics of the previous administration, so it didn’t take much to push me over the edge.
One day while crying for the hundredth time while watching yet another story of the effects of a company closing…. it occurred to me that I was sick and tired of buying the crap that the media was feeding me. I decided in that moment that from now on, I was only going to read good news.
I do understand that people are hurting and need to tell their stories. It’s healing. As a community of caring people, we generally want to listen. But with so much bad news, our compassion has gotten the best of us. I believe that we need to shift the focus of our attention to what’s good and get a healthy perspective back!
That day, I vowed to start looking for the beautiful things in every situation and shifted my thinking toward gratitude. As you can imagine, I soon found that when I looked for the "good things", I found plenty of them. That’s the reason for this blog. I want to create an antidote to the slow poisoning of our spirits happening as we breathe in the daily media offerings fueled by the crisis we are facing in our country. I want to do it by telling our good stories. We need them now, more than ever.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
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