Listening is nice!

I have been thinking about ways to “be nice”. Over the weekend it occurred to me that “just listening” might be at the top of that list.

How many times have you found yourself walking by someone and saying “Hey, how’s it going?” while you continued to walk …without stopping to hear the answer, or giving it a second thought? Often, we are just being polite in passing… but isn’t it funny that although we ask the question, when someone actually stops to answer with something more than “fine”, or “great, thanks”… we sort of cringe at the thought of having to stop and be inconvenienced?

Nobody really has time to hear about the coworkers inflamed arthritis or the next door neighbors divorce. It’s just polite to ask, right? Well, maybe not. If you really don’t have the time or inclination to stop and listen, a well intended casual greeting can actually have the opposite effect and leave the receiver feeling rather flat. This little ritual might not leave one wounded, but it does speak loudly about the lack of genuineness in the interaction, and that, I believe, can have a cumulative negative effect on a person.

If you think I’m being petty or just being a whiner, think about this; it’s just a little thing that happens, but it's one of a zillion of the same kinds of little things happening every day that can add up to possible joy or despair in a person’s outlook. It’s the accumulation of little messages that either say “you matter” or “you don’t matter”. For many, this can take a toll. For some, it might just be a tipping point.

A fundamental teaching in a community dispute resolution model that I once learned is that “people need to be heard and understood”. I saw this prove true when dealing with disputants who were frustrated and upset, time after time. The simple act of listening with genuine interest was often all it took to calm a crisis and find a solution to even some of the biggest problems. People that were angry for years, often walked away feeling relieved. All because they felt heard and understood. It was like magic!

Last weekend when listening to an interview with Sherwin Nuland on the NPR program “Speaking of Faith”, I heard this theme echoed again;
“When you recognize that pain and response to pain is a universal thing, it helps explain so many things about others, just as it explains so much about yourself. It teaches you forbearance. It teaches you a moderation in your responses to other people's behavior. It teaches you a sort of understanding. It essentially tells you what everybody needs. You know what everybody needs? You want to put it in a single word? Everybody needs to be understood. And out of that comes every form of love”
Although it was a statement from an interview and taken out of a much larger context, this quote validated my thought process about how connecting through listening, hearing and understanding can break down barriers and heal.

Tonight, I saw a story on 60 minutes and once again, the same theme resonated throughout the piece. It was about a friendship between a news columnist and a homeless man with schizophrenia who happened to be a musical genius. Through interest, listening and the common love of music, these men developed a friendship that would transform both of their lives. (I’ve included the link to the video if you’d like to check it out)

Upon reflection, I am convinced that listening with the intent to understand can be a powerful act of love! If you find yourself over whelmed by the magnitude of problems all around and wonder What I can do? How can I help? How can I make a difference? Start by saying “Hello” when you mean “Hello” and “How’s it going?” when you really want to know!

Maybe just taking the time to stop, listen and understand someone you cross paths with today will be the single best thing you can do to make a difference in the world! To put it in context, it’s a great way to start “being nice".

A shared story from Kellie

My five year old granddaughter was drawing a picture. When I asked her what she was drawing she said... "God".
"But no one knows what God looks like", I said.
She just smiled and said "They will when I'm done."

A shared story from Cassie

I have a little story for you. I was helping with the strong kids campaign at the YMCA and we had a bake sale. The Boise High kids not only bought our goods but gave us extra change because they thought it was for such a good cause. We raised $753 dollars that day from the bake sale. And 100% of that money will go to kids programs in our community. It made me happy to see young people think of others.

A shared story from Terry

Working at a food bank, you would think that the stories I hear are all of want and deprivation. Not so. Since the economic downturn, the need at food banks is greater than ever before. But the response of the community, when called upon for assistance, has been overwhelming.

Our local CBS affiliate did a 12 day food drive for the food bank. Two sponsors stepped up and offered their businesses as drop points for donations and paid for commercials that spoke to the need in our community. The on-air anchors offered their time and talents. The behind the scene staff worked tirelessly to put together a catchy campaign and paid attention to every detail.

On a chilly Friday in February, we culminated the drive with an on-air, outdoor marathon that lasted 14 hours. Late in the afternoon of the telecast, an elderly man drove up to donate two cans of food. He had been watching the coverage all day. He wanted to give something. I could tell from his car and his clothes that he didn’t have much. His hands shook with age as he handed me the plastic bag with his donation. He smiled and drove away. I was moved to tears at his generosity. It is always thus at a food drive. People really are kind.

A shared story from Heidi

One that happened to me this week was when Bobbi was over recently she noticed the emissions test thing on my microwave (so I would not forget). Without me seeing, she took it with her when she borrowed the car to go to school. She had it done for me! I kissed her 5 times on the cheek! Thank you thank you thank you!!! Little things mean a lot....especially for someone like me who seems to put it off EVERY year until it's too late.

Being nice to people!

(from 2/12/2009)
Today I had a sweet reminder of how a small act of kindness can make someones day. I was moping around feeling a bit frustrated with my landlord for being "not nice" about the way they handled my apartment deposit/refund. Then , I didn't hear back about a few different job interviews, etc, etc, etc, so I went out for a walk. When I came back home, there was a package from a jewelry designer that I had sent a bracelet to for repair.

Weeks ago, I had emailed to ask if she would be able to repair it for me and had told her that I was in the middle of a job interview when it broke and the beads flew all over the room. She promptly wrote back and said, "Go ahead and send it back and I’ll repair it." "I hope you got the job!". I then sent the broken bracelet with a note that said how I appreciated her willingness to repair it, as I had purchased it some years back but it is my favorite. I also said “I love your stuff." "When I get my career back on track, I'm buying your peace earrings for everyone I know!”.

So, today I received a package in the mail with my repaired bracelet, looking like new, and tucked inside the envelope was another little bag. Inside that bag was a pair of peace sign earrings! I have never met this woman, but her little gesture of kindness felt like a huge hug and immediately made me burst into tears. She didn't write anything. Just slipped them into the package! It wouldnt have mattered what it was....but that single thoughtful act reminded me of a very important truth. Being nice makes a difference!

To some, it may seem silly, but it is this sort of thing that I believe gets people through the day some days.... and it is exactly what I base my personal value system on when it comes to serving/helping others. In these times when things are so out of focus for so many, it's hard to be nice some days...but in my heart, I believe that it is what will get us through. Imagine, if every one took the time to do a little something nice for someone every day!